Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I realized today while I was singing Five Little Monkeys, that any remote chance I had of ever being a bad ass has vanished in a cloud of cheerio dust. Bad ass men don't go to baby bop. Nerdy men don't go to baby bop. Men over the age of two don't go to baby bop, and I don't think those 'men' really qualify as men. I don't know what makes for a bad ass, but I am pretty sure it doesn't involve wiping shit off an infants back, dishing out zerberts, sharing tiny spoonfuls of peas, dancing like a buffoon at the faintest crying noise, or reading Benny the Grouchy Bear. For the record, Benny never looks very grouchy. He wears a silly smile through the whole book. Benny isn't a bad ass either. I have a kid and my wife is the breadwinner, what's his excuse?
I don't think I ever really wanted to be a bad ass. I wanted the trappings of bad assdom (women, excitement, and a leather jacket), but I loved being a goof. I wanted to be a bad ass goof. My plan was to change the world. Then I could be goofy, silly, and walk off into the sunset ... er drive off into the sunset (in a sports car) ... I mean drive off into the sunset with a beautiful yet complicated and super intelligent women who could pout with the best of them. I could be a bad ass without being an ass. Now I wonder whether I will end up an ass without being bad (in the good sense).
Who knows, maybe my plan is still in the works. All I need is the sports car (but it will need to have a trunk big enough for a stroller) and some way of changing the world. I have the woman thing taken care of.
Of course, in a few years, for a few years, my daughter will think I am the baddest ass of all. There will also be moments, maybe even whole years, when she thinks I am just an ass. Neither designation will depend at all on my changing the world. That occurred to me today too.
Some day I will realize that I my chances of being a perfect dad have vanished too. My daughter will have failed to win a Nobel Prize or break into the NBA. She will be singing silly songs to her kid, and she will be wondering how she came to be doing that.

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