Monday, October 01, 2007


There is no me without her. And I don't mean just in the strict biological sense, or even in the subtle or not so subtle influence of parenting way. I mean on a day to day basis way. I don't call every day and run all the little day to day decisions by her. I don't even run all the big ones by her, that's what dad is for. Unfortunately, I can't even say that I call her every day, or sometimes even every other. I have been on the more than once a week plan for a while though. Even so, once a week or even once a month phone conversations wouldn't need to take place for my original statement to be true. I could say that she was my strength, but that's not quite right. I think if I would describe anyone that way, it would be my wife. My mother is more like one of those organs whose functioning is automatic. She's just there. Likely a day will come when she's not, but I can't even imagine it. When I try, it's just as if I was trying to carve a hole out of my center. I don't know how it came to be that way. It just is. It's always been that way. I think the same is true of my dad, but I haven't always felt that way. I really hope that my daughter can say the same someday about my wife and I. Of course I want her to be her own person, in the same way that I am my own person. I just want her to be a part of something bigger than herself from beginning to end, regardless of where her life goes. I want her to feel how I have felt. If she does, one of her thank you cards should go to her Grandma. Maybe I'll mail it for her now, along with mine.

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