The Old Days

The other night it was

The three of us

Sitting on the couch

Together

Once again

Just like in the old days

Except

That in the old days there were four of us

I suppose I should be thankful I wasn’t the one driven to pissing on everything

It just isn’t time for that yet

I should be thankful that I am sitting here with my wife

Listening to the other cats purr

Mingle with the sounds coming out of the monitors

Out of the monitors and over the

Piles of clothing

Pink, Purple, green, yellow, blue, and red

Adorned with bugs and sheep and polka dots and

Labeled with sizes

Some tagged with price

All just sitting there waiting for something to happen and

Content that it isn’t

Just like the three of us

As we sat on the couch

The other night

Anticipating First Grade

When you are about to leave a job

You pay more attention to the people you will be leaving behind

You make a point to say a few more words than you would normally

You go out to lunch more often

You throw around more complements

More smiles

You may even buy flowers or

Write notes

I have

I knew that things weren’t going to be the same

Which is why I am worried that

With first grade looming out there in August

She hugs me more

More these days than she ever has before

If she takes me to dinner or

Buys me flowers

I’m going to cry

Facebook Birthdays

I wished three people happy birthday yesterday

On Facebook

Two of them I haven’t seen since before I turned eighteen

One now goes by a name I didn’t know she had

All got the same wishes

With some variation in the frequency of exclamation points

It’s not a cake and flowers but

It’s more than I did last year and

If memory and 

Intention and 

Ambition get together

There’s room for additional exclamation points next year and

Maybe …

More!!!!!!

The cycle of life is pretty cheap

My son was very excited that a quarter I gave him was worth twenty five cents

Twenty five cents

Twenty five cents!

He repeated it a few times

With varying levels of enthusiasm

But always with enthusiasm and

Not any less than he has shown when told

How many cents it took to buy a muffin or

The car or

Whatever else he asks about

It was his quarter

A quarter he later deposited in his bank

Where I can later find it

When I need one or two or

More

For a parking meter or

A shopping cart at the grocery store

Later I pay him back and

He is excited

Twenty five cents

Twenty five cents!

Trailblazing

We should have felt like trailblazers

When the

Basketballs

Tennis balls and

Racquets

Even a miniature football

All came out

Along with us and

The sixty degree weather

On this fine Wednesday

Near the end of February

We should have but

That’s just not the way it works for me

Even if I show up at the school fifteen minutes early

I’m still not the first car in line for pick up and

Even before this Wednesday happened

I knew I was already

A step or

Two or

Two months worth of steps

Behind

There was no denying it

Not in the emerging yellow glow of the

Daffodils and

As we watched one ball after the other

Roll down the street or

Fly over the house

There wasn’t time

For denial or

Trailblazing

Plated Progeny and Weak Stomachs

My son’s pet turtle has burn-heart

Just like his granddad

(That’s me)

I have a whole passel of grandchildren

Including dolls of at least four races

One with legs hanging on by a thread

Two sheep and

A poodle her mother insists is a cat

Whose name is Juice and

Rides around in her own matching purse

But only one

The one who is supposed to have a hard outside

Has my flawed insides

He can’t have wine or chocolate

Just like me and

His dad has been worrying about his burn heart a lot

These past few days

It makes me a proud patriarch

A content patriarch

As long as my grandson twixt two plates

Stays away from my almond milk

The Road Already Taken

Two roads diverged in a wood and

I went back the way I came

Leaving both for another day

It doesn’t have quite the same ring

Does it but

It has a pull

The attraction of the familiar or

The unfinished

A yearning to fill in the picture

To know the details

Completeness

Comfort

Belonging

The attraction of that cozy little nook

You always studied in

In your college’s library

Don’t tell me you haven’t wished you could go back there and read a book

I have and

The truth that Frost left out

Is that you can

Lakes Don't Grow Old

You can’t skip stones forever

Even if you find the perfect lake

With not a ripple on its surface and

A beach loaded with smooth flat stones

You will get hungry

It will get cold or buggy or dark

You will be called to do something else or

You simply won’t be able to conjure up double digit skips

Arms do get sore

Minds do wander

Anything can become monotonous

More challenge than reward but

You can at least be sure

That while skipping stones

No matter how rough the water gets

It will never get up and walk away

Leaving you alone

Quiet

It’s quiet

It’s nap time and it’s quiet and

It’s taken me almost twenty minutes to realize

That it’s quiet

The three year old is asleep

That’s still normal

The five year old is also asleep

That was normal

Two years ago

Now

It probably means she’s sick

Me

I’m sitting her e

Debating whether I should include

An allusion to the stunning of pigs prior to slaughter

It’s quiet all right

Unnaturally quiet

Way too quiet

First Impressions

Today I brushed my teeth

With my sleek new electric toothbrush

At eleven at night

Standing in the tub

With a bath towel over my head

I can tell you that

I have been brushing with the old school toothbrush at night

For weeks

To avoid waking up my wife and

That tonight I really wanted to use my new toothbrush and

I wasn’t quick enough to think about just bringing it with me into the office

I can tell you a lot of things but

No matter what I say

You will still be picturing me

In the bathtub

Towel over my head

Brushing my teeth

True Love, Father Son Style

He wants to watch a video

His sister mentioned the word video and

Now he wants to watch a video and

He wants to make sure that I know he wants to watch a video so

He tells me he wants to watch a video

Over and over

Sometimes talking

Sometimes screaming

Sometimes chanting

I keep Explaining to him why we can’t watch a video and

Urging him to help us with the puzzle and

Eventually he does

A little but

He doesn’t stop talking about the video

Until it’s time for dinner and

He wants macaroni and cheese

This time I give him what he wants

Spooning it immediately onto his plate and

Relishing the moment

Buttons and Connections

I button his shirt

A blue denim shirt

With marbled tan and brown buttons

One button at a time

From the top down

Kneeling behind and

Reaching over and around him

As if I was buttoning my own shirt

Often I button his shirts while kneeling in front of him

Maintaining eye contact

Smiling and

That connection is awesome but

As he leans back into me and

My fingers move up from one button to the next

In the way they are most accustomed

I’m still smiling

All the way through

From the bottom to the top

In Search of Fleeting Flakes

An afternoon walk

Of muddy puddle splashing

Beyond morning snow  

Five is Fleeting

When I walked in the room

She was lying on her bed

Legs up in the air

Bouncing

As if she was riding an imaginary horse

Upside down

Very fast

Apparently she was giving birth

I’d heard that it happens fast

One moment you’re watching them put on footie pajamas and

The next moment you’re a grandparent

I wasn’t banking on a ten minute transition but

I guess they were right

Maybe I should stay in her room

Thursday

Is it Thursday

Already

Almost Friday

And it’s 10:29

Make that 10:30

Make that 10:31

And now I’m only

Waiting

Watching

For the little numbers at the bottom of my computer screen to change

And change they do

10:32

That was a minute I made much better use of

But it will probably be closer to 10:40 when inspiration strikes again

If it does strike again

Today

There are only two hours or so left

10:34

10:35

And where did 10:33 go

What about Wednesday

What about 2009

I guess I shouldn’t wonder about such things

10:36

I guess I should just be thankful

That I am here now

And that I know that

It is 10:37

On Februrary the 9^th of 2012

A Thursday

Princesses and Flowers

Princesses

Picking flowers and

Giving them to other princesses

Keeping some

Sunflowers

Violets

Daisies

Geraniums

Daffodils

Royalty 

Written and typed by Seren and her dad

Divergence

I would like to feel as if I was at the spot

Where two roads diverged in a wood

Currently it appears as if I am at the spot

Where somewhere between

Fourteen and

Thirty five

Roads

Diverge and

I’m nowhere near a wood

So there is no listening to birds or

Studying foliage

Whilst

I ponder

Whether any of the roads wants wear and

The speed at which the roads are multiplying and

Whether I would recognize two roads as clearly as I see

The difference choosing one or the other might make

Remote Control Smile

My son has a remote control

That magically changes the imaginary boat you are on

Into another kind of imaginary boat

It also turns the boat on and off and

Controls wave height

Cloud formation

Nautical traffic patterns

Proximity to sharks and

The location of the sun

It doesn’t

Make noises

Illuminate in any way or

Turn off or on any kind of electronic apparatus

It has no batteries

In my hands it does nothing

In his

It makes us both

Smile

Perspective

There is an almond in my cookie

A small almond

In a big cookie but

When you add it together with

My son’s almond and

My daughter’s almond and

The almond from the other big cookie I ate and

A handful of almonds I grabbed out of the bag

You might conclude

I ate a little cookie with my almonds

Taste

When I inadvertently place my thumb on my lip

I find it to be wet

I smell it

I instantly recognize the smell of cat food

Which

Since I feed my geriatric cat

Many small portions

Particularly at night

When

For some reason

He is ravenous and

It is five minutes to eleven

Is unsurprising and

Still disgusting

Yet I don’t taste anything

I can still smell it on my thumb

I suppose if I really worked at it

If I licked my thumb the way my son did today

Maybe even initially pretending it is chocolate

From a chocolate covered pretzel

That my father purchased for me

As a treat

Because we missed my class

To drop off his friend at the train station

Then it wouldn’t be inadvertent and

I would taste it and

It wouldn’t taste like chocolate

Expectations

This winter it hasn’t been very cold

There hasn’t been much in the way of

Icicles

Snowmen

Snow angels

Or Snow

And yet

As I have explained to my three year old son

A few times more than once

It is still

Winter

Inventing Friends

My son is inventing friends

Who break things

That aren’t broken

Last week

There was the older boy who broke his toy train and

Yesterday

There was a little girl

Who broke the baseboard heater in his room

After she broke it

He took her home in the car

Maybe he feels bad

About the pile of broken things on my workbench and

Is confident that

Even daddy

Can fix broken things that aren’t really broken

Maybe he likes a happy ending

Maybe he just needs to get out more

Avocado

Chopping avocado
Incognito
As she talks
As we talk
I cut and
She still hasn't noticed
I might just get the whole avocado in the salad before she does
Before she sees
The avocado that she asked to have some of
Not ten minutes earlier
I might but
She's telling her story and
I'm chopping avocado and
Listening

A Bigger Boat

He refuses to pee in anything but his diaper and

A very small plastic sailboat

If the promise of

Stickers

Candy

Toys

Telescopes and

Hermit crabs

Continue to fall short

We may need to consider

Sanctions or

Force or

We might just need a bigger boat

In Her Room

My daughter has a moon in her room

Battery powered

Capable of showing all the phases

Mounted to her wall and

Now

After a year

We have paired it with a calendar of the moon’s phases

So that each night we can set the moon

To look just like it does outside

I have been threatening to do this for some time and

Every time I mentioned it

My daughter would say

Daddy

Why don’t we just look outside

Tonight

Lying in her bed

The moon in her room just starting to show again

The stars glowing on her ceiling and

All the recognized planets glowing and

Hanging over her bed

She asked me if we could go outside

To double check

She’s also wants me to show her

Why Pluto is no longer a planet

Maybe

It’s time to start camping

Unintentional Proof

It is eleven thirty at night when I see

Two cups in the freezer

One full of only water

Frozen solid

One full of salt water

Equally frozen and

I wonder if this is the hypothesis I was hoping to prove

When I placed the cups there

To much fanfare among the five and under set

Seven hours ago

Scientific Exploration

Snowflakes have six sides

If you want to see for yourself

Get a reliable forecast of snow and

Put a piece of black construction paper in the freezer and

Wait until something actually starts to fall

Until it just starts to fall

Then run out there with your piece of paper and

A kid

Without a kid you're just a weirdo standing outside with a piece of paper

With a kid

Find a flat surface and set down your piece of paper and

You will be able to confirm that

Snowflakes have six sides and

That they have rather short lives and

That for some reason

Each of us must learn that for ourselves

Brain Squeeze

They say a brain is like a sponge and

I guess it is more a sponge than a castle

Most do seem to have a maximum holding capacity and

Not much more than the illusion of impenetrability but

Have you ever tried to squeeze yours out to make room

Has your brain ever dried out

Grown mold

I can't speak for anyone else but

I think I'd rather think of my brain as a beach

Sometimes built up

Sometimes washed away

Often littered with who knows what

From who knows where

At the mercy of

The phases of the moon and

The whims of weather and fisherman

They can say all they want about sponges

But I'll take wind and rain over a giant disembodied hand

I'll take it and

I'll think it

Until someone squeezes it out

The Winter Refrain

Shovel

Sweep

Wait

Repeat

Not Yet

It’s January 20^th

Almost January 21^st and

The rumor of snow is swirling in the air

Not the real stuff though

Not yet

Not yet has been the refrain all winter

Not yet is what I told my daffodils

When I first saw them

More than two weeks ago

Not yet

Never yet and

Yet

I might be through with not yet

That and dance clubs and

Board books

I’m starting to hear whispers of not at all

I was starting to be OK with daffodils in January

In a mild

Wet

Winter

With nothing but sun and rain in the ten day forecast

But suddenly

The rumor of 1-3 inches

Is in the air but

Followed by a wintry mix and

Temperatures in the fifties and

January 21^st is still almost hear and

I’m still waiting for it

Not yet ready for it or

The 22^nd or

23^rd or

24^th either

Maybe next month

On the 2oth or

21^st or

29th

I will be

Flying

Flying

Her

Off the end of the balance beam

Him

A plastic plane up my back

That is just right now

Another moment

It may be a little helicopter with life like moving blades or

A stuffed turtle off the stairs or

One of the two of them

Off the couch or

The bed or

A table

Flying

Always

Everything is flying

Falling

Until

It's not

Me and Thomas

The Railroad tracks form an oval shaped ring around the coffee table

Thomas is still

Silent

Just staring out from behind a table leg

Straight ahead

Smiling

Unconcerned by his lack of motion

The curve he is about to be thrown

When the power goes back on or

The lack of real options ahead and

Sitting there

Feet on the coffee table

Writing this down

I am envious

Shopping in the rain in January

He’s crouching inside the cart

She’s up against it in my shadow

We’re a mass of umbrellas and winter coats

Contentment is

Contentment is

Heading into the kitchen

To get

More cereal for number two

More milk for number two and

Still more milk for number two

Cereal for number one

More milk for number one

Water for number two

Orange juice for number two

Napkins for number one and

Not feeling silly or used

Contentment is not an every moment or

Everyday thing

But often it has curly hair and

Sometimes it has an impish smile and

Says poopie

And says it a lot and

Sometimes it even lasts through lunch

Parental Guilt -or- Why I take Quick Showers

For half an hour or so every morning

My kids sit

Or stand

Silently

And nearly motionless

On the couch

While

Dinosaurs

Monkeys and

Talking cats wearing hats

Sing

Dance

Perform and

Even hypothesize

Leaving little room for anyone else to do much more than sit

Someone is Watching

I took a day off of laundry

Leaving the drying rack up

So that tomorrow I could pick up where I left off but

She beat me to it

Festooning the rack with

Pirated newborn onesies

Bandanas

Wash cloths and

Doll clothes

Some on doll hangers

Pans filled with wooden vegetables on the floor of the kitchen

Fairy boxes filled with expired coupons

Dollies strapped into car seats laboriously placed all over the car

Stuffed sheep in timeout and

Now miniature clothes

Neatly spaced and

Carefully hung

Surely

Someone is watching

Trouble in the Chinese New Year

It’s almost time for the Chinese New Year and

We’re in trouble

Pan fried fish means that luck is coming

I have gastrointestinal reflux disease and am avoiding fried foods

So it doesn’t help that fried rice symbolizes harmony and plenty

Chinese cabbage represents wealth

I’m avoiding cabbage too

Pork brings wealth

We don’t eat the other white meat

Duck represents happiness

If I could take the complaining I could be happy

My son would be in trouble

Of course he would miss out on

Good luck and good fortune (steamed buns)

Wealth and abundance (shrimp)

Surplus (sweet and sour fish)

Profit and good omens (Clams)

The fulfillment of wishes (mandarin cakes)

I don’t know what a Mandarin cake is but I’m sure he wouldn’t eat it

A sweet new year (puffed rice cakes) and

A happy new year (seaweed)

The only thing we can hope to enjoy as a family in the new year

Is an offering for the Kitchen God

Since that comes is associated with candy

So happy new year and

Here you go Kitchen God

Christmas Lights

We have left our Christmas lights up longer this year

We’re more than a week into January and

Still every night

I send the kids to the front door

While I head out back to plug in the lights and

Then race back inside to get the thumbs up

Last January

When I took the lights down

All on my own

I was rewarded with tears

This January

There is no snow

No snowmen

No snow angels

No sledding in the snow

There hasn’t been a hint of snow since Halloween but

The lights still go on every night to cheers

The presents are opened

Jesus is born

The shepherds and the wise men are gone

Jesus is gone

The lights are still one

I might leave them on until February

Greener Grass

I’m in front of my computer

With my eyes closed

Picturing myself somewhere else

Specifically

Sitting criss cross applesauce

In the middle of an empty stretch of blacktop

Stretching straight out in either direction to the horizon

Floating an inch or two off the blacktop

Floating because I need to be centered but

The yellow line looks so bright

That I wouldn’t want to sit on it

For fear that it was newly painted

Floating so as to avoid having tumbleweeds stuck in my ass

Floating because otherwise

The chair I’m sitting in is more comfortable and

I don’t have a smart phone yet

The Here and Now

I choose a piece of fruit

I eat it

I go back to what I was doing

The whole process takes about ten seconds

I barely remember eating the banana

Apple

Pear

Bunch of grapes or

Dried persimmon

So sometimes

After a productive pause two

I’ll take another fruit break

Occasionally I eat until I don’t feel good

Today

I started in on a banana

Right after dinner

A big dinner

Then I stopped

Took a few more bites

As I checked e-mail and

Set what was left aside

That was an hour or so ago

It was right where I left it until a few minutes ago

When

After reading

Singing and

Blowing kisses to my son

As I do every other day when I put him down

I finished it off in a few bites

I may have even tasted it this time

Then I sat down and write this

Which is where I am right now

Where I’ll choose to be for at least a few more minutes

It continues

Coats hats gloves and scarves

Hiding us from the cold air

Trees out on the curb

Hopping Glad

He jumps

And talks

At the same time

Not every time

But at least once a day

For a short time

And often

But not every time

I jump

And talk

With him

He tells a story

Face full of a smile

And feet off the ground

I listen

Smiling

With my feet off the ground

How could I not

How could I sit and listen dispassionately with my feet flat on the ground

Every time

Any time

He jumps

So do I

Because it will only be this way

For a short time

Babies have it almost right

Babies have it almost right

It is all about the box

But it’s not about the opened box

Just as the best moment of a football game doesn’t come after the final whistle

But just before the coin goes into the air

After someone has called heads

Or tails

And has taken a break from breathing

Just as one does

Whilst staring at a box sitting just a few inches away

Full

Closed

Wrapped and

Ribboned and bowed

But you have to open a lot of gifts

To reach the place where you are ready

To give full credit to the unopened box

Which is why

Babies have it almost right

Poopy

Everything is poopy

Coats are poopy

Socks are poopy

Matchbox cars are poopy

Poopy is a popular lyric in Christmas songs and

Popular songs and

The alphabet song and

Poopy is served for dinner and

Breakfast and

Lunch

Quite often I too am poopy

Life is poopy

Funny is poopy and

For a three year old

Poopy is funny

An Inch Away

She is about an inch away

Big old smile across most of her face

Eyes barely open

I doubt she can see but

I’m holding her five feet up in the air

So she probably doesn’t have to

She doesn’t have to smile either but

She is

Her face is full of it

If her eyes were open enough so that you could tell

You could see it there too

I can see it everywhere but

I can’t look at it for too long

It’s just too much

Too close

Too real

Too random and

Gone too fast but

What can you do exceptt smile back

When it’s right there

Only an inch away

A Perfect Night

A ride in a horse drawn wagon

While eating fifty cent cupcakes and

Twelve and a half cent chocolate chip cookies

Christmas carols and above freezing temperatures

A photo with Santa Claus

Complete with two happy children

Only partial parental intrusion and

A Candy cane

Not eaten but only licked through the plastic

Just minor tantrums upon arriving home past bedtime and

Through it all a full moon

Illuminating a perfect night and

All of its flaws

Waiting for a sign

When a tsunami is about to hit

The water recedes

It’s kind of a nice feature

If nothing else

It gives you an opportunity to glance around and

Take stock of the way things are

While they still are

It’s too bad that

Levittown

Isn’t anywhere near the coast

Warm Wet Winter

Rain drops sliding down

Over the icycle lights

And onto my toes

There he is

There he is

Holding a six inch artificial tree

Screaming at someone

Anyone

To cut off a branch and

Why wouldn’t he

After watching me

Do the same thing to the big tree

That is

Cut branches off and

Scream

Now he has a tree and

It’s his turn and

I’m going to let him have it

I have a small branch from the big tree and

A pair of scissors and

He only just turned three two days ago so

His little button up shirt

Blue pant

Blue sock

Brown shoe

Scowl wearing self

Will soon be off to other pursuits but

This is his time and

There he is

Cheesy Christ

When I realized that even almost three year olds have crosses to bear too

We were decorating a cake together

After seeking consent

I had ducked out of the room for some adult reason

Like filling prescriptions or

Using the toilet

Stepped on a large piece of glass

Started bleeding and

Told him about it

He was sitting on the counter in the kitchen

Just out of sight and

A long way from the floor

My immediate concern was getting the compression stocking off

Before it did too much to aid the flow of blood

His immediate concern

Was being concerned

He told me I was OK

That I shouldn’t bleed

That I couldn’t bleed and

Then

When I kept talking about bleeding

He said

“Cheesy Christ, stop scaring me.”

I smiled

Told him I was fine

Got my band aid and

Joined him back at cake

I called his mother too

Of course

I had to share the vision

Licorice

Rolled out tootsie rolls

Frosting

Blood and

On its way out the door

Where I’d just helped him out it

A little cross

With a big macaroni nailed to it

Negotiations

If I had the choice of heading up
Negotiations with
Terrorists
Kidnappers or
Nearly three year old boys

I couldn't give a quick answer

Because

While terrorists and kidnappers tend to carry weapons

So do three year olds and

Three year olds are less inhibited

Besides

Terrorists and kidnappers are quieter

More logical and

Able to wipe their own rear ends and

Negotiating with them brings more mystique

More acclaim and accolades and adulation

A modicum of wealth

While

Three year olds

Only offer things like giggles and

Smiling eyes

Of Endings

Some trees are still full of leaves
But they are in the minority now
Soon all the trees will be bare
Only a few shriveled leaves hanging on in the crisp air
A fate that was clear from the moment
The first leaves appeared in March or April
A fate that shadowed every summer day
Like a sky full of puffy white clouds
A fate that is now heavy in the air
Seemingly pulling the leaves off of the trees
The ones that are still full of leaves

A Provisions List for Grandma

Two percent Milk
Soy milk
Big yogurts (strawberry banana and peach)
Cottage cheese
Applesauce (natural … no sugar added)
Cheese (doesn't matter what kind, but it should come in a blue package
Edamame (frozen in the shell)
Cheerios
Honey nut cheerios
Rice crispies or rice chex
Raisin bran
Fruit (it doesn't matter what kind, it's only a prop)
Whole wheat toast
Whole wheat crackers (round preferably)
Chicken nuggets (Aldi brand if possible/if you want your grandson to eat them)
Whole wheat pasta
Mac and cheese
Diet coke
Granola bars (some hard and some soft so that everybody can complain)
Canned black olives
Canned corn
Goldfish crackers (hide these)
Gummi vitamins
Valium (could be for anyone)

the darker side of parenthood

tired, gassy, and alone
sitting in the dark at five thirty
a parent in November

Doing Nothing

For at least ten minutes
I barely move my left hand
As I type
Because
There is a Cat’s head resting on it and
A cat’s purr
Is drowning out the sound of the computer and
Because
I realize now
More than ever
That sometimes
All you are being asked to do
Is nothing

Reporting Back at The End of the Day

“Mom …
The heart beats loud not scary I pushed buttons and heart beat hear dolphin up top tiger and bunny fast boom boom boom boom boom I in heart I in train big train and train in box both move but in box little other train big Daddy ask Sissie if she need to go to bathroom Sissie says no We see blood Sissie only have a little blood but Daddy has lot of blood We see show two pieces of glass dark not scary Sissie scared I not scared we do sports room too then we go home”

Present

Eating cheerios out of a green plastic bowl and
Bouncing up and down
Silently
Not watching me work
Not talking to me
Not really waiting for anything to happen but
Nonetheless there
Just there
Holding on to the edge of my desk
Bouncing and
Eating cheerios

Yearning for the egg

My son’s stuffed turtle wants to go back to the egg
I heard him say it through the monitor tonight and
Breathed a sigh of relief
I’d been worried about the little guy
Shoved into a little plastic van or
My old Playskool mailbox
Sleeping under the covers and
Under more than just the covers
Periodically forced into the washing machine and
Then the dryer
Occasionally ending up under the seat in the car or
In the stroller
Yesterday closed in a big soup pot
With a lot of plastic vegetables
I’d pictured it as a prison
But now
Well now I know he might have been swimming
Not dwelling on how he can’t pull in his arms and legs but
Just floating around on a big plastic carrot or
Fennel bulb and
Enviously eyeing
The wooden egg

Joe Frazier ... in the 14th round again

Joe Frazier is in hospice
He has liver cancer and
May not make it to the end of 2011
Though I’m sure he wants to but
He didn’t make it to the end of that last fight with Ali either and
He wanted to
He could barely see and
Was taking a beating and
When most of us would have headed for the exit
Of our own volition
He wanted to continue
He wanted to continue
But he didn’t
He couldn’t
His trainer stopped the fight
Frazier protested but
It was out of his control and
Now
Joe Frazier is in hospice and
He’s still not eloquent
Not flashy and
Not giving up
And
He’s still not in control

Climbing Everest

At four thirty in the morning
The stairs
Seem like the Himalayas
So maybe
If I put my son on the top of K-2 or
Everest and
Had him scream that he couldn’t find his stuffed turtle
I could reach the summit
Maybe if I had him ride in a car
A few paces ahead of me
Screaming about how the covers were tangled
I could run another marathon and
Break four hours though
His sister might have to be sleeping in the car next to him
It’s really too bad there is no place to put him
On the other side of a completed novel or
A good paying and interesting job but
There isn’t
It’s just easier to put him to bed
In his crib
Upstairs in Levittown and
That’s OK because
It would be awfully hard
To go back to sleep right away
After climbing Everest

Of Purple Rooms and Promises

I want my room to be purple again
It’s the cry of every two year old boy
At 9:45 at night
A few days after his room
The one he took from his parents
Ceased to be decorated in shades of purple
Meant originally to be a backdrop for
Miniature Zen gardens
Bubbling fountains
Large O’Keefe flower prints and
Bamboo shades
A reality that never completely materialized or
Dissipated
Until last week
When the primer went on
Followed by the beautiful blue
That’s what it was called
Beautiful blue
And beautiful and
Fresh and
Smelly it was and
Still is
Even tonight
In the dark
When
More than an hour after being put into bed
My son lies in his bed
Screaming for the dark
Dirty
Purple to
Return and
I
Sitting in my little orange bedroom
Originally supposed to be the office
Hear him
Loud and clear

Then

We are
Then
We aren’t
Then we aren’t
Then
Then is the edges of your fingertips and
The hairs on your arms
It’s when you publish a new blog entry
It’s in between your daughter hopping out of your car at 8:52 and
Getting back in at 11:49
It’s lying next to her
Or him
When you are still naked and
Your mind hasn’t moved on to whether or not you need to buy kleenex
It’s when you take your very last breath
It is then
Then it isn’t
We are
Then
We aren’t

October Snow

Leaves loaded with snow
Sails on wooden vessels
All running aground

A Long Halloween Day

Today ... I Burned the candle at both ends
And in a pumpkin

At least this way there is a light in my eyes and
I have a radiant smile

Lonely Demouement

An older white woman
A little on the heavy side
Wearing a blue dress
Sitting in a white chair
On the grass
In the middle of a quarter mile track
Under clear blue skies
With not a cloud in sight and
Sweat starting out from her white wicker hat and
Down her neck
No expression at all on her face

Today I learned that my mother in law’s grandmother
Collapsed and
Died
At the high school graduation of her son

I never met her
Never knew a thing about her
Until today
I Still haven’t laid eyes on a picture of her or
Talked about her with anyone who has
But I can see her and

It’s hot
There is a program in her hand
A white handkerchief on her lap and
She is sitting by herself even
Though there are rows and rows of chairs in the grass and
A stage
With even more chairs and
A lectern
In front of where she is sitting
On that quarter mile track
On a day in early June
Expressionless
Motionless and
Alone

In With the Cold

The air conditioner
Leaves a wet trail across the room
A cold breeze behind it

Evolution

My father has hired an interior decorator
It took him over seventy years to do it
But the man who rebuilt engines
Fished, trapped, and
Shot his finger off
Has hired an interior decorator and
Is mildly satisfied so far
My father’s mildly satisfied is most folks ecstatic
So it’s a noteworthy development
Of course
Truth be told
The last live fish he was associated with
Not in a bowl
Could have easily fit in one and
Was an isolated incident
At the end of an eight
Nine or
Ten year olds pole
Since then
Retirement
Car racing
Photography and
Genealogy
Have all come calling so
Why not
Swatches of fabric and
A whole medley of taupes
Now
I’ve never rebuilt an engine or
Trapped anyone or anything other than myself and
That poor little guy I lucked upon in the Lake
While dad was sailing
So as soon as I have the money
I’m probably ok
To get some professional help
Capturing a divine design

From Moment to Moment

It was almost five
I was standing in the middle of the kitchen
Cat not fed
Dinner not started
Dishes not done
Laundry needing to be fluffed and folded
Completely unsure of what I needed to do next and
What I had meant to do next and
Whether I should be worried
That my son was lying across the coffee table on his stomach
It was one of those moments and
I knew I had to do something
So I said something instead
“I’ve lost my train of thought”
With that my son sprang up and ran into the kitchen
Wearing the look of someone who has just gotten a job
After having been out of work for more than a year
“I’ll help you daddy”
“I’ll help you find it” and
Just like that
It was a completely different kind of moment
Even though it was still almost five

October Morning

I can see my breath
But not my toes anymore
The trash still goes out

The Cost of Color

What is the price of all that color
Oranges that conjure everything from pumpkins to
Carrots to
Habanera peppers to …
Well … oranges and
Along with reds bring a bit of heat to
Cool autumn days
Reds that remind one of flames and
Fire trucks and
Antique Chinese furniture
Yellows that conjure up
Goldenrod and
Summer dresses and
The man with the yellow hat
Greens that stick around too long
Reminding us of their own beauty and
Kiwis and
Grapes and
Tree frogs and
Themselves
Their forest
The summer forest
The one whose beauty lies in its tranquility
Its youth
Its promise
Its affordability
But not usually on the forest floor
At what price do we chase the color
What is the cost of wanting more

Reality Check

He says I’m mean and rude
I tell him I love him
So I know that it’s true
That he’s almost three and
I’m really a father
With a son

A Little Body In Motion

Puddles attract two year old feet
I think it’s a heretofore unknown
Corollary of Newtonian physics
He’s a body in nature and
I’m the external force
The one that washes the socks and pants and
That’s just the way it is
He doesn’t like wet feet and
As much as I dislike laundry
I abhor being the heavy or
Fighting losing battles but
We’re both law abiders and
Once a body is in motion …

My Tooth

By Seren and Daddy




It fell out
Today
At nap time
As I was reading
The Berenstain Bears Get in a Fight
It wasn’t first
The first one got lost
Suddenly it just wasn’t there
This one
The second one
I was watching
Feeling
With my tongue
All the time
And then
As I read Berenstain Bears
It was on my tongue
Loose
Free
I took it and
Grunted
Screamed
For my dad
I wanted to tell him
About my tooth
I wanted to tell him
It fell out

Waiting

Sticking up just a little more than it should and
At more of an angle than one would expect
Often wearing just a bit of blood
A gap to its right
(My left)
Showing it the next step
It sits there
Waiting
Maybe hoping not to follow its compatriot
Into the abyss that lurks behind it but
Rather to fall forward
Onto the floor
Into a pillow and
Into history but
Nonetheless
Waiting
Waiting to fall out or
Maybe
Just waiting for the next smile

An Observer

For the first time I’m watching her
Just watching her
Through a glass window
Unable to yell encouragements
Suggestions
Or anything else
Restrained to the occasional smile
A high five at water break
A hug at the beginning
A hug at the end and
Watching
At school she is out of sight
Out of mind
Once a week though
She is not out of sight or
Out of mind but
Further out of reach than ever before
I could tell myself that
It’s just an hour
That it’s just gymnastics but
I know better
She knows better
Which is why we have those two hugs and
Why we both hug
Squeeze even
Because I’m watching her
For the first time

Good Night

Nearly eleven
Satisfied
Optimistic
Tired
Good night
Really

His Expressions of Love

He’s two
Soon to be three and
He was awake
Really awoken
By me
To only me

So I wasn’t expecting much love
Now that his mother and sister had just arrived home

I knew they were home because he told me
Yelled at me really
While jumping up and down
I could hear the jumps in his voice

He had gone to the front door to watch for their arrival
Now they were home and
I didn’t expect to see him back in the office
In fact
Since it was on me to make sure he didn’t run out and get run over
I was finishing up what I had been doing before having to wake him up
Quickly
When he walked in
I thought maybe he wanted us to greet them together

Then he grunted
Twice
I asked him if he was OK
He answered with one word
Poop

Later
At dinner
After I had applied a little unwelcome discipline
He came over
Sat in my lap
Passed gas and
Left for his mother’s lap

I suppose that it’s when you least expect it and
In the form you least expect it
When true love arrives
Especially when it’s from someone who is
Two
Soon to be three

Consignment Sale Time

It’s consignment sale time
Time to take what hasn’t been given away
And try to sell it
Before we continue giving it away to
It’s our capitalistic money grubbing moment
It’s time to wash
Press
Tag
Deliver
And most importantly
Somewhere in the middle of all of that
To sort it
To take the memories
And put them in chronological order
Before you sell them
Is it:
0-3 months
3 months
3-6 months
6 months
6-9 months
9 months
9-12 months
12 months
12-18 months
18 months
18-24months
24 months
2T
3T
4T
4
5
6
7
8
10
12
14
Where does it belong
How much is it worth
To you
To someone else who needs it
How much money
How much guilt of every variety
How much time
When most of it will end up going to friends
Friends of friends
The thrift shop
And could go there with less intentionality
Less sorting
Less grief
Bit what would we do with the tagging gun
When consignment sale time rolled around again

A Reminder

She yelled at him for disagreeing with her about how he felt
He yelled at me for not letting him spread yogurt on the table
I yelled at them for …
Well they weren’t good reasons
But whatever the reasons
We were all yelling and
We kept yelling
With a few ceasefires sprinkled in
Until she was in her room reading to her dolly and
He and I were cleaning up a juice spill
He hugged me
I said
“It’s been a rough one huh?” and
He said
“Dada, I had fun today” and
I remembered our morning together and
Our trip to the orchard and
Why I gladly put up with all the noise and mess

Wiggle Room

I haven’t wiggled it yet
Haven’t even really looked at it
I’ve hugged her after she bit into a tough nugget
I’ve seen the blood on the tablecloth
I’ve talked about it with her
I’ve listened to her talk about it
I’ve listened to her talk about talking about it
I’ve talked to her mother about it and
Started looking for the tooth pillow that I put my baby teeth in
The tooth fairy has even come up in conversation
And I did touch it
For a split second
I didn’t feel it wiggle though
So talking is still fine
Circumstantial evidence is troubling but still deniable
As long as she still wants to marry her brother
Says aminal rather than animal
And I haven’t wiggled it yet

Standing On a Rock

Standing on a rock
In the middle of a trail
Mud and wetness all around
A two year old on my shoulders
Sandals with socks on my feet
The socks are dry
The two year old is really almost three
The trail is a swamp in every direction
I’m standing on a rock

A Peek

We had peeked through the fence at the community pool
Closed several seasons now
Grass growing up through the cracks in the pool deck
Paint cracking on the concession stands
We walked by twice
Talked about it each time
Yet it was only on the drive past it
On the way out
That I spied what used to be a little wading pool out of the corner of my eye
I drew his attention to it
By saying something like
Look at the kiddie pool
Then we moved on to other seemingly more pressing matters
Like a debate on why we hadn’t taken the bridge to New Jersey
We didn’t return to it until dinner
When he was sharing his day with mom
Along with his visions of cats and even dogs swimming at the pool
The kitty pool
When he gave me a peek
At cats in swimming suits
And into his head

Confusion in Early Fall

Leaves are falling off
Plants are coming up … again
Rain is all around

Fall is in the Air

The Kleenex are out
Next to the thermometer
Leaves fall to the ground

When in Rome

Tussle
Muss
Disarrange
Mess with
Whatever you want to call it
I do it a lot and
Why wouldn’t I
His head is right there
I barely have to move my arm
His hair is right there
Accessible even
Short even
And
Not a curl
Or
Tangle
In sight
Not a scream
Grunt
Or
Other form of protest
In sight
In fact
Sometimes he seems to almost want it
Lingering longer than any two year old would or should
Leaning against my leg and holding on and waiting
So that
All I really
Have to do
Is
Tussle
Muss
Disarrange
Mess with

Is it too late?

It is late
The kids are asleep and I should be
But I like to linger at this moment
This intersection of
Accomplishment and
Anticipation and
Quiet
I like to reflect on the day
While I listen to the crackle of the baby monitors
I like to choose the moment of my collapse into bed and
Not have exhaustion choose it for me
I like to fill up every minute
With something
Of my own choosing
I’d also like to be an eighteenth century fur trader
Tracking deer through the woods
Hopeful of seeing something for the very first time
The problem is that all too often
It’s not just late
It’s too late

Find Me a Bus

I don’t know what is more shocking
That I’d die for my daughter
That I’d kill for her
Or that I’d knowingly become the most obnoxious parent in the universe
Maybe it’s that I was tempted to do two of the three during kindergarten orientation
There were no speeding busses to throw myself in front of
So
I was left with the need to strangle
The guy with the ‘100% white meat and proud of it’ tattoo
Standing contentedly in front of a black woman and
Behind an family of South Asian descent and
The teacher who told me that soon
My daughter might be able to read a book to the class
My daughter
Who reads twenty books a day
All by herself
You mutant witch
I wanted to strangle her
While my daughter read a book to her
Then maybe we’d decorate that classroom so it looked more like a kindergarten and
Less like an unusually colorful bureaucrat’s office
It all washed over me in waves
Coming from I have no idea where
My daughter loves school
Is having a great time and
Knows how to read and
Likes her teacher and
That should be all that matters
Should be
Because I know teachers and
Have heard them talk about parents like me
But what if she is sharing grapes with ‘white meat’s son and becomes a bigot
What if her reading goes unrecognized and
She stops and
The waves crash over me again and
I wish there was a bus I could jump in front of

Dad Come Quick

“Dad … come quick
Wyeth is standing in the bathtub and he’s taking off his clothes”

It’s more than a call to duty
It’s a call to responsibility and
It’s a reminder of the consequences of slacking

Do the dishes
Put the food away
Go upstairs
If you stop off at the computer to check e-mail
Or ESPN.com
Or just to breathe alone in silence
Or use the bathroom

Your son will be running around with a shirt on
And nothing else
His little penis jiggling about
Free to do its business anywhere

And if you didn’t catch on when he asked you
During lunch
If tonight was bath night

Then you should be relieved
That he only wants to have a new diaper put on

That he doesn’t leave a stain or stench anywhere

That he is giggling

That all it took was a strip tease to bring you up
While you still had an opportunity
To play the time machine game before nap

Missing out on Paul Revere
Mastodon barbecues
Sleigh rides with Santa
Weightless walks on the moon and Saturn’s rings
And thrilling swims with megalodon

That’s a stiff price to pay for
The latest NFL injury reports
Or even peace and quiet

Missing out on discovering your son standing in the bathtub
Bare bottomed after tearing off his own diaper
Pretending he’s about to head to bed for the night
At half past noon

Well that’s just out of the question

So the lesson is …
Pull away for the not so important stuff
That you have to get done and
Fingers and toes crossed
Dally just long enough
To get the call from up above
A fun time
And hopefully a good story
That you can tell
Later
When the day really is coming to an end

It's not fall yet

I don’t have to look at the calendar to know that fall has arrived
I saw my daughter this morning
In her purple shirt with the big zebra on it
Complete with hearts and other assorted visual frou-frou
And long sleeves
And a size 5 T sticker
That we peeled off

We left the long sleeves
The girl with the sniffles and hint of a fever
Needed them

I left the sandals
They matched
And cold or no cold
I’m not ready for fall
I’ve still got vegetables coming up in the garden
And a goodbye or two to say to the local water park

Besides
The start of kindergarten was enough
I have been reminded of the tireless march of time
I don’t need long sleeve shirts
And woolen socks
It’s bad enough that Christmas trees are already up at Lowes
It’s bad enough that she is wearing long sleeve shirts
And long pants
To school
Every day of the week

I need a few more weeks of late summer
I need them
But I’m not going to get them
So I will let my daughter’s toes freeze
And mine my son’s too

I don’t have to look at the calendar to know that fall has arrived
So I’m not going to
At least not yet

The Return

I returned from a weekend away
To an afternoon and evening of spontaneous hugs
It’s the best reason I can think of
To want to leave on my own again

Detroit on My Mind

Detroit on my mind
Or at least on my itinerary
Unexpectedly
I'll be in and out
In an hour
As long as my bags come with me
And I won't come back
At least not on this trip
I'm Just passing through
Like everybody else
There are fewer of us now
Or at least there must be
Who leave the airport
Soon it will just be trappers and farmers again
Soon Detroit will be off my mind
And my itinerary

Unique

I'm afraid that
We are unique
In the way that jeans or sweatshirts tend to be
That our individual stories
Are less about words and messages
Big or little
And more about
The wear and tear we take along the way
I'm hopeful though too
After all
I have always preferred an old and well worn sweatshirt
Complete with stains
Holes
and chewed on drawstrings
To a brand new one

Flying

A sea of white clouds below
An endless blue sky above
Blue jeans and grey shirt in the middle

Temporary Solo Parenting

Kindergarten drop off
Kindergarten pick up
Home reorganization
Teaching
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Bathtime
Tennis lessons
Boo-boos
Finicky cats
Naptime stories
Bedtime stories
The first homework ever
Cleaning
Looking out at the lawn that needs mowing
The carpets that need vacuuming
The papers that need grading
The toilets that need cleaning
The television that needs watching
And writing poetry
I think that if she stayed gone for more than five days
I’d have to drop the poetry

Pushing Buttons

Push an imaginary button
Make a few lame sound effects
Get pure and honest hysteria
Cackles, giggles, even a dry barking sound
All from laying an index finger against a wall
And adding to the fingerprints and smudges
And add to them is exactly what any sane person would do
Add to them until that part of wall is no longer yellow
Add to them until the gag shows signs of not working
Then you imitate static
Do a little work on the wall with your thumb and forefinger
And sing a song
That gets you more guffaws
Later on
Pushing buttons will have a different connotation
A different result
Now however
It’s a handoff up the gut that gets you eight yards
Every time you run it
Why would you go away from that
Why wouldn’t you keep pushing those buttons

Blue Jeans

I’m wearing blue jeans
She is too
A back pack lies on the floor in front of her
Nestled amidst the books and granola bar wrappers
One thing that’s not back there is an umbrella
But that’s OK
It’s not raining in the car
And the physical distance from the car to the school isn’t more than a few feet
Besides she won’t hesitate today
No more looking back for her
It’s a new season
For both of us
At least I still look good in blue jeans

Day Three Drop Off

She got inside
Out of the rain
Then she paused
It was day three
And all that was there to greet her
Was a third grader wearing a yellow sash
Whose attention was focused elsewhere
I wasn’t there either
Not really
I could see her
But I was in the car
Staying dry with her brother
And being moved along
To make room for the cars behind me
All I could do was silently urge her on
Hope for the best
And drive away
Knowing that I got her as far as I could

Uncaused

The uncaused cause of all being
Is either a name of God
Or the look my son gives me
When I pop in on him to see whatever it is he has called me in to see
Maybe he’s wearing my shoes
Maybe he’s wearing blue high heels and a stethoscope
Along with his favorite princess skirt
Maybe he’s hugging the cat
Whatever he is
Doing
There is just the hint of a smile
The rest of it about to explode onto his face
Across the distance between us
And onto mine
Caused
Uncaused
Undeniably holy

His First Football Game

The visiting team
Clad in white
Was running at will on the home team
Clad in red
The lights had probably been on for a while
But now they were noticeable
In the growing darkness
The band had come to life too
So had the teenage flirting
Halftime was definitely in the air
I couldn’t help but wonder
Where he’d be in twelve or thirteen years
When it was halftime
Would he be playing tuba in the band
Shirtless in the stands with a letter painted on his chest
On the field handing out pain
Then I looked at him
Clutching his purple flowery purse
Watching the ‘blue and white team’ chant and flip
All that was missing was his favorite blue princess shoes
My camera too
He looked up
Smiled
Said it was time to go home
We left
Cutting through the throngs of teenagers
Pausing to take one more look at
Red
White
Blue

my son ... force of nature

You can watch the water creep up the lawn toward your front door
But what else can you do about it

I suppose you could leave
But no one is going to clean it out when you’re gone

Bemoaning all the things you could have done
Such as have the yard graded differently
Is a heck of a lot of fun
And a great way to exercise underutilized higher brain functions
It might even help during the next storm or with the next house

But right now you might as well jump in for a swim
Which might be an option I suppose
If you like risking death by drowning

If electrocution is more your speed
Drag out the shop vac on your front lawn and get to work

Personally, I’ve found it’s better to sit stil
Or pace
In front of a big pictiure window
It’s hard to fight the urge to do something
But a force of nature is not the same as a problem at work
Or a difficult home improvement project
More effort doesn’t automatically lead to better results

My advice would be to put your effort into preparation and patience
And when you’re done
Pull up a chair and a good book